Blech. I feel crappy. A little weepy even. I have just tired myself out.
Granted, I have been pushing a lot of work on the tattoo (my artist is moving, so time is of the essense....) and I would say that the amount of time I have put in over 4 weeks is not exactly what you'd call.... compassionate. So it's not like I don't know where it's coming from. Nevertheless, I have become so used to feeling good that feeling bad just feels.... bad. And since I generally share lots of up-side, I thought I'd share this too. You know, with myself, and my future self. It's not always awesome. But even so, it's still pretty good.
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That's me. Talking to my weight. I have put on a few (ahem) pounds. Nothing major; but since I am still wanting to lose a few pounds (10 to go), ... and because I know I have been less than disciplined, ... it's kinda important to call myself on it.
So ... here I go.... now talking to myself: It's not sneaking up on you. It's not quiet. It's not even an IT. It's YOU, and choices YOU make. And I applaud you for having some compassion and enjoying that pizza. And that wine. And The Keg table bread and butter (all of it). And the midway at the CNE. But don't let that be the new habit. Compassion... and Control. In balance. Not one or the other. I restarted the clock on MyFitnessPal today: and will track from here, fresh. No baggage for the better or the worse. Now, I'll go eat some blueberries! I feel a bit off today. Just minda .... meh.
I gymed on my own on Saturday (did with J on the Friday), and it was less than stellar. I struggled and only did 1 squat before opting to .... not. Then I did some AMRAP arm stuff that I have done WAY more reps of before. Sunday was listless. Not bad. Just kinda um, another word for listless, please? And today: a bit the same. Melancholy. I trained, and it was good, but still feel kinda weary. I have felt SO good for SO long, that it's a bit unsettling, actually. Maybe I need a bit of a napping weekend, or something. On the PLUS,... i have Wednesday off as a planned recovery to a (Korn) concert. So maybe a big sleep in and 2 naps will do the trick. Stand by.... I was in my first powerlifting meet yesterday. I hesitate to call it a competition; I pulled less weight than anyone. Well, except the guy that bombed out on his three benchpress attempts and didn't get to finish.
And I finally get the concept of only competing against yourself. I never understood it when golfers talked about it. And to be fair, I'm pretty sure a number of them (golfers and powerlifters) care a lot more about competing with the other participants than it being only about beating your best. But, I'm really not worried about the low weight, or my missed third attempt on bench. In fact, I'm really proud I tried for the 115# BP. I've never been able to do it in the gym before with the pause, & I was feeling really good. And maybe I could have gotten it if I was just a bit slower. But I actually tried something that had a goodly chance of failure ..... In front of a bunch of people. Because nobody wanted me to miss. It wasn't a competition at that moment; not against each other anyway. Just me and the bar. And everyone got it. And now I have numbers. A very clear place from which to improve. To measure progress. I was impressed by a lot of people yesterday. But I don't remember their numbers. Just their resolve. Me. The bar. It's so simple that it's hard to understand how I didn't get it before. But I do now. And that's progress too.... Had a crappy day in the gym. I was PT-less but should have been ok. The target was set in a text the night before.... I checked video of what felt like ass-to-grass 135#.... And it was barely parallel. I worked up anyway . 140 and 145 were about the same. I finished with the triples and consoled myself that while my depth wasn't cutting it, that I had done the work and it would at least contribute to improvement. I told JW the same. He wanted to know why I had not backed off on the weight and focused on depth. :( And its cause I didn't have depth anyway.... Oops. No. No I did not. And we had talked about it. Argh!
So if I feel good tomorrow.... I'll go in and just do something light... But hang out at the bottom. Like me told too. And that is why I still need a PT. Ate a hot dog today. really looked forward to it. paid for it all afternoon.
In the last 2 weeks, I've been called 'skinny' twice. Not that I am skinny.... technically, I am still overweight. But it was an acknowledgement of my progress, and meant to be flattering. And truly; it was; I felt the smile immediately rise. Still; each time it left me thinking after : why THAT word? It's kind of weird that somehow that's a compliment. And I am not shitting on anyone intent; after all, I was flattered.... but there is something a bit off, I think, that the word has some sort of value associated with it. I can't quite place my feelings, but.... I have decided I don't like that word. Was in Vancouver this week; did go to the gym once in the 3 days, but the numbers were sad, sad, sad.
Going today, and again tomorrow early AM. I guess we'll see if I have anything in the tank at all. :) I waited to long to sign up for the meet in August. It's full. I feel gutted (which is a pretty extreme reaction. But I guess a good sign, as had I felt relieved I'd question my motivation...)
I have asked Jerimiah for advice; if I can make a July event in terms of readiness. I am not worried about some big number; just want to be able to hit my best numbers or close to them for the day. Right now, I am not regularly doing anything near my 1RM, so that'll take a bit. And I need to lose more weight to get into the 63kg class, which I think is somewhere around my sweet-spot for day-to-day comfort in my own skin. Based on my current trajectory, I can be there by July(ish) IF IF IF IF I am a bit more disciplined when I travel (that's those up-ticks.) Won't be getting to the gym today. Already @ the airport (7:30 AM, and at the gate...), and arrive to DFW just in time to check in and get ready for cocktails.
It's funny how addicted I have become to the gym. It isn't even just that I notice if I don't go (after the fact), but...I actually CRAVE it. Such a strange little anticipation feeling... I'd go so far as to say an urgency. Anyway; @ a trade show for 4 days, so ... I brought gym stuff, but doubt I'll really get into the gym. Let's see how it goes! |
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